The Blue Art Project

Being creative and living in the moment

Another day another doctor part 1

Using the mobile app. so there are spelling and grammar issues , I just needed to get this out of my head .

So with my side trip to the hospital I crossed paths with a Neurologist and today is my follow up. Will I get anwsers ? (Doubtful) I just am hopeful for a care plan. Help of somekind and not pain pills as of late they are merely making me loopy and not taking the edge off the pain. I know the pain meds are to assist me but they said I wouldn’t be pain free . There point is to make it bearable so I can live and be functional.

I have good days and bad days and I am in a bad spell. My legs get weaker my depression gets worse and my hope of a somewhat normal life slowly fades.

I know that is depression talking but I can’t stand to sit, my legs are not to be trusted as they decided to go to Jello when ever they choose to.

I am so tired, I am exhausted all the time even when I think I have slept it does not feel like I have.

I am tired and I have not lost complete hope but I have reached the point to reevaluate what I am doing . What can I do ? Something last week I had no issues with the next week I cannot do it. Like taking a trip to the grocery store it is hit or miss.

I apologize to my husband for all the lashing out that I have done he deserves better . I don’t know why I am so angry . Is it pain ? Is it the fact that we have gotten no anwsers other than there is something wrong we just cannot quite pin point the what, where or why. Your studies don’t make sense to each other they aren’t normal and what shows on your MRIs does not make sense to the nerve test results. The more money we spend trying to get help the more hopless I feel. I really want to be normal or as close to possible as that I can or could be.

Once again in a doctors office waiting. Waiting to here it is complicated lets just watch and monitor. I know they are doing the best they can.

I am waiting for a cure to an unknown issues. I am waiting for a cure for pain when there isn’t one.

I let myself grief and be upset as I am lost and ask the same questions over and over with the same answers we don’t know.

I have hit rock bottom only way is up now. I will not let pain control or define who I am. It is alright to have a moment  just can’t live in a state of negative. Part of my behavioral therapy is learning to cope with the pain. As well as I learn more and that I have the right to be angry and upset and to let it out is supposed to be helpful. So far I have kept it verbal until today.

Have a good day let the smell of fall bring you hope as things are ever changing . Just like the changing of the season we can make the choice to change our lives. Knowing what you can change and acting, knowing what you cannot and finding peace with it.

I am tired and I want to rest peacefully. To be the wife and mother I want to be, not be angry, depressed , and feel like I have lost all control. I want hope that my future is going to be filled with more than doctors appointments.

I am tired and need rest I know that I have to change something in my life if it is temporary or permanent. Changes have to be made. I will post a follow up later.


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This entry was posted on October 10, 2013 by in Chatter Boxing and tagged , , , , , , , , , .
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