The Blue Art Project

Being creative and living in the moment

Chatter Boxing- Think Before you Speak, (Putting my pain in it’s place)

This past week was not one of my better weeks to say the least. I spent most of it in bed, rest and trying let my body heal and recover.

So a few things I need to Chatter Box almost to the point of rant.

As most people are aware I have back issues, that pretty much there is not a “Fix”. The pain is under control to a certain extent that is the best they can offer.

I am still coming to terms that pain is a permanent part of my life. Pardon the pun is not an easy pill to swallow. Which my close friends and family are aware that I just realized that I will have pain for the rest of my life, sometimes it is more intense than others but I will never be 100% pain-free, there is no cure.

I was under the impression  going to all the specialist’s that they would be able to offer a solution, well hell that cannot even answer “why” this is happening. The “what” is rare the “why” well they just skirt around offering no definitive answers.

Days I am fine, but then my legs act like Jello and my husband has to help me walk, I am honestly embarrassed as I have heard the remark that I should not be drinking so early in the day. It is frustrating when my body betrays me. I am fine one minute then out of the blue , my back and legs decided it is quitting time and the pain strikes, or SLS “Stupid Leg Syndrome”. My close friends and family have full rights to crack jokes about me drinking in the middle of the day, but lately it seems people I barely know are feeling as if they have some sorts of right to ask me what is wrong and even make off colored remarks.

I know people mean well, others in my mind are over stepping an invisible boundary. If I had scares on my arms and face no one would dare ask me what happened. So when my husband is trying to help me manager a set of stairs or navigate the hall, why would someone whom only knows my name feel that is right to ask me “What is wrong? What happened? Did you fall? You were fine  earlier?”.  I smile and just try to keep from letting that person hear what I really think. My pain can cause some nasty things to come out of my mouth. Pain makes me very honest so I have to keep my thoughts, feelings and emotions close to my chest. I am living a positive lifestyle staying in the moment but I am human and I get frustrated with lazy, arrogant, and people who put on the airs that the world owes them or they are entitled as we are all equal (that is a whole other chatter boxing event)

This may seem odd but those close to me and know my situation they understand the stress that it puts my husband through when I am having a bad day. They don’t ask what is wrong they just do little things to help keep my spirits up. Love them all dearly and they know it and they know I rather hear a joke that “do you need help?”. I know if I asked for help they would be there. One of my good buddies one day caught me as I was falling backwards. I cannot remember where my husband was but my buddy was there and he in the right place at the right time. I think it scared him more than it scared me as falling happens I literary just roll with it.

Right now things are very chaotic, and maybe I am too sensitive, but I do  need random people to stop asking me what is wrong. It is really no one’s business but my own. I have no control of the situation and I am really tired of trying to answer a question that I don’t have an answer too, people need to realize that asking me what is wrong is the same question I am asking my doctors. I am frustrated, irritated, helpless and this all  is a heavy burden upon me. It is embarrassing when I cannot walk without help so asking what is wrong is like a slap in the face as I don’t know and we have spent time and money trying to find out. I still have no answers but I cannot let the pain control my life I have to do my best to control my pain. It is honestly not anyone’s business.

Try to see beyond my faults, as I am trying to move forward with my life and make my dreams happen. The constant reminder that my back is a mess is not healthy for me mentally. I am working towards a big life changes, staying positive and finding away to make a living off my hearts passion. Which I make huge steps forward but then get pushed back due to my focus being switched to issues beyond my control.

So think before you ask someone what is wrong, do you really know them well enough that it is appropriate? Are you just looking for gossip? Are you trying to make yourself feel better due to not being in such a mess as another person? All I am asking for is my privacy with this as there is so much more to me than my back issues, but to many people see me only as the girl with a bad back. Guess what that is only a small part of my life, and the constant questions make it a bigger issue in my life than I want. I am living with this, or at least trying to learn to live with it, so show sensitivity and manners as it is really not something I want to talk about. I am constantly reminded by spasms, numbness, sharp pain, and barley being able to walk. I do not need the constant trying to answer questions that I don’t even have an answer too.

So you have been for warned the answers that you might get from me will not be as polite as I usually behave as I am sick and tired of all of it and I am trying to cope and deal with living with this so most likely if I am having a bad day and you ask me what is wrong , you are what is wrong. I am just saying… I have spoken my peace about this and moving forward as there is no other direction I want to head.

So if I want to talk about it I will but I want to shift my focus and path to the positive things in my life, to the changes I am making, to being more active and artistic.

Have a wonderful day I am back to bed for a cat nap.

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