The Blue Art Project

Being creative and living in the moment

Chatter Boxing : Clarity and Happiness

I have had a roller coaster ride the past few weeks which I reverted to what I call “Survival Mode” .

My “Survival Mode” consist of the basics.

  1. Go to work
  2. Try to keep myself together mentally while at work
  3. Go home get in bed sleep (if I am lucky)

I know that it seems that I would fall into the box of being depressed. I admit to having some depression , but it was not the main thing that switch me into just trying to “Survive”.

Today I had that moment when everything clicked. I can’t say it was a mood change it was  “Clarity”.

I am afraid to let myself feel, happy, excited and optimistic about things that are happening in my life. (Always waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me)

I was so afraid to even think about buying a house. My husband I are closing on our first home on 9/6 , still in my mind the little negative dancing child is singing “Your sorry, lazy and trifling what makes you think this is really going to happen you have not done anything to deserve this and if you do get it you lose or make a mess of it like you always do” Oh how I wish she would go away.

Only I can truly take care of my mental, spiritual, and physical well-being. I have help from family and friends but I have neglected taking care of me. It sounds so selfish, but there are times in your life that you need to put yourself first. I honestly don’t have the slightest idea of how to put myself first. I have always put my son above all others, and then my husband and so on. I even feel guilty just saying that I need to spend time putting myself first. It sounds and feels like such a selfish act.

So now that I am working on getting out of my “Survival” mode, and back to living.

I feel excited, scared, happy and over the moon that I will be in my home with my husband in a few weeks.

To the stranger who said I was full of nothing but hate, spite and evil. You don’t know me at one point many years ago you may have. The words you used to hurt me they are just words. You used them only to hurt me and you are well aware that you knew what kind of reaction you would get .You put an innocent in the middle of something that they had no business being involved in your verbal beating that you gave. Knowing full well that it would rip me to pieces. You have done this to me for years, and no more. I feel sorry for you and despite the years of pain and suffering you have caused me , I hope someday you realize you are doing more damage to yourself than you have me. I know that my unconditionally love in the end will trump all of what “you think”to be true.

So now that I have Chatter Boxed and tried not  to be vague I feel better, no guilt on putting myself  first, no guilt on cutting the negative people out of my life,. I guess I will have a whole different kind of freak out when we are holding the keys to our first house, but I will have my best friend, soul mate, split apart holding my hand with me as we walk this adventure together. We are the wonder twins, and yes I full admit we say “Wonder Twins Activate” and bump our wedding bands together. Followed by “it is us against the world.”

So I am off to bed tomorrow is a new day, keeping my heart and mind open to the possibilities and my guard up against negativity and worry.


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