Being creative and living in the moment
I had my appointment at the pain clinic on Friday which was a good thing as I was in pretty bad shape. I had put a call in a month ago and never got a call back. Turns out they took my number down wrong, but on the same note in my profile two lines below the notes that they called me and I didn’t return the call was my correct phone number. I did not call back as I know that doctor offices are very busy, but the nurse and my doctor both told me if you don’t hear from us within 24 hours call back. We are here to help you. My “provider” spent longer than normal with me going over my options as my pain had gotten out of control. Something I did not realize and I have milled around and chewing on in my brain is what she said to me.
“You do realize once you start pain management it is for life?”
I knew that I would always been in pain, but somewhere in my mind was a disconnect, I figure that I would be in pain management for a while until the doctors figure out what was going on. I guess I thought that they would be able to pin point the cause and I do exercises, or a treatment option would be available to lessen my pain. (By no means do I intend to go back under the knife) I just thought that this was a temporary thing until they found a solution. So I have processed that I will be in pain management for life. I know that I could be in worse shape but I fully admit that the “life” part has been something that I am coming to terms with.
It feels like a life sentence, that there is no escape, but I cannot let myself think like. I knew that I would always have pain, but I did not realize that it would get to the point that I would be in pain management. I have gotten relief and support from the clinic, it is not their fault that I was in the mind-set that this was something I would do for a year or so until the doctors could give me some answers, options. My mind-set that I am going to get answer’s is pretty much out the window. After my last follow-up and MRI scans, I got the “let’s re-check this in a year, keep an eye on it.” At that point I realized that my hopes that an implant could be put in and I would be free of the pills was gone. I was alright with that, not a first but I took my time and worked my way through this.
There is no cure for pain and I am in pain management for life.
I asked my husband did he know that this was a life long thing? He told me he knew from the beginning that once I started that it was for life. He went on saying we tried everything else, and when we to pain clinic he knew then that this was now a part of our lives. We had a long talk about how I felt and what I thought. He talked to me for a while from his side of things what I needed to realize they have to watch you and with the medicines they started you on and have you on it is not something short-term it was obvious to him that the pain was not going to just go away, and that we were in this for the long haul. He added that unless they can figure out the exact cause, even then they most likely cannot do anything now, we just need to hold on to hope that medicine advances and they can do something. He did not realize that I thought this was short-term, that I thought that we would get answers and options. I am grateful that I have him in my life and he talked to me in a way that “we” were in this together and that “we” are going to get through this. He brought up all the things I have been able to do in the past few months that I wasn’t able to do this time last year. He kept firing out all the positive things that pain management has done for me, and not to think of it as a “life sentence” but getting my, our life’s back.
The most important thing I have to remember is that they can control my pain to a level where I can live and function. There are still going things that I just cannot do, but their goal is to improve the quality of my life and get me as active as possible. Which they have, I had a rough spell there and that was it end of story time to move forward.
So back to living in the moment.
I know that I have a lot of work on accepting the pain , I have acknowledged that it is life long, but some how to me accepting it feels like I am giving up.