The Blue Art Project

Being creative and living in the moment

Painful Night

Random morning chatter

So I have been awake since yesterday morning. My back and I were at odds with one another last  night. I could not find a comfortable positions to lay in that did not make some part of my back, hips or legs hurt. The few times  dozed off I would think I was hearing someone break into the house. (A side effect of the medicine my dreams are extremely vivid) It turns out the cat was just up to no good.

The past week with the rain and this lingering pressure system had increased my pain level back up to where I am not able to sit, stand nor walk like a normal person. I was hesitant about calling the doctor, but that is what they are their for, to help control my pain, cope and live with it. I was just waiting to see once the weather change if things got better but there is no sense in feeling this bad. It causes undue stress on my mental and physical health. I slipped into that hopelessness mode last night. The pity party that I will always hurt and this will never end.

My mind raced on about all the things I needed to do but have not gotten around to and mostly because the pain has wiped me out so as soon as we get home from work  go to bed. I have fallen back into my pre pain management lifestyle. Where I drag through the day and immediately get into bed when I get home. That is not living that is barely surviving.

I have a team of doctors and a support system to help control, cope and live with my pain so around 2 am I decided I would call my doctor when their office opens this morning. I really cannot afford to miss anymore work, because next week my husband and I go to Duke Medical Center to see the specialist for my 6 month follow-up. I don’t have any PTO due to the flare ups but I am useless at work when I cannot see straight.

I am still waiting for my MRI results hopefully they will call me today, if not I just call them as my Orthopedic in Nashville seems to have been in CYA mode since October 4 and 1/2 years after my surgery finally after all that time begging ran an MRI and he never said anything to my recollection that they left part of the tumor inside my spinal column. They made a tunnel track to take the pressure off my spinal cord and rebuild the bone that the vascular tumor had destroyed.

So we have waited for a time to pass to run a follow-up MRI as there is no baseline to compare the tumor to see if it is growing again. I try to not let my self think about if it is as where it is located in my lower lumbar treatment options become limited. As radiation is not an option due to the close proximity of so many vital organs. There is a coil method that would cut off the blood supply and the tumor would die off but getting to it would be almost in impossible. So we wait and see and go see the “Super Surgeon” next week.  I am optimistic that it is just chilling . However I won’t lie I want the damn thing out of my body.

I have unexplained nerve damage more in my right leg than my left, which doesn’t match up with what the MRI shows, that my left leg should be worse than my right but it is not. The other kicker is he did not take out the two bulging discs. I was extremely frustrated with the doctor , I have made my peace with it as there were no guarantees that I would not bleed out during surgery, and being able to walk afterwards was a slim to none chance, and I can walk. So it is what it is. I am just tired physically and mentally and my back is killing me.

Time to shower and head to work no rest for the wicked.

Keeping it positive it was has just been a bad week. Today I will focus on the positives in my life. I have a loving husband, a wonderful son and we are hunting for our first home.


Side note I have tried to edit this but my brain is not working well this morning, forgive the passive voice, and grammar issues. As I posted this to get it out of my head so I can move on .


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This entry was posted on July 8, 2013 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , .
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